The Silent Weight Of Expectations

At this time of year, Christmas and holiday season, managing our expectations can be a real struggle for many of us. The challenge of expectations often intensifies as we navigate family commitments and the expectations layered into this time of year. For me personally, understanding expectations and learning how to navigate them, has been a long and confusing journey.  At times it feels like untangling a dense web of emotions, assumptions and deeply held (often unexamined) beliefs, to make sense of it all.

Expectations can be like silent contracts that we never actually agreed to. They can be heavy, unspoken and can be damaging to our relationships if left unchecked. As Brene Brown explores in her book, Atlas Of The Heart, “the way that we navigate emotions like disappointment, resentment and shame is deeply tied to the expectations we hold for ourselves and others, and when unchecked, these expectations can lead to disconnection, frustration and impact our ability to live authentically.”

Our expectations often stem from our deep desire for connection, belonging and validation. But sometimes our desires are unrealistic or unspoken and they set us up for disappointment. Resentment often arises when we give more than we are willing or able to give, and then expect something in return. Eg; when we might expect our partner to intuit our needs without communicating them to him (hey honey you’re meant to know that I am absolutely starving LOL) or maybe the expectation that a friend may show up in the same way you would and when they don’t there is a feeling of hurt, which can damage trust and intimacy.

Brene Brown also talks about shame - an internalised belief that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Expectations tied to shame can be particularly damaging because they become about proving our worth. Eg; the pressure to maintain a certain body image can lead to perfectionism, which is really just a coping mechanism. As Brene Brown describes “if we believe we look perfect, live perfect and do everything perfectly, we can avoid and minimise the pain of judgement, blame and shame”.

Unspoken expectations are dangerous because they are invisible to everyone except us. We assume that others should “just know” what we want or how we feel, leading to unmet needs and resentment.

Brene describes resentment as “the feeling of frustration or anger when we’ve been wronged or when we perceive we’ve been wronged.”  But often, “the wrong” is not intentional, but a failure of clear communication. This can be particularly evident during the Christmas and holiday season where there is added pressure to meet the demands of family expectations.

To protect our relationships we must understand and examine our expectations and here are a few ways we can do that;

1. Make The Unspoken Spoken

Reflect on the expectations you hold for yourself and others. Are they realistic? Have you communicated them clearly ? As Brene Brown writes, “clear is kind, and unclear is unkind”. Conversations about our needs and boundaries foster understanding and connection.

2. Let Go Of Perfection

Recognise that perfection is neither possible or necessary. We can make a shift from perfectionism to self compassion, which allows us to embrace our humanity and accept that we are enough, just as we are, flaws and everything.

3. Prioritise Curiosity Over Judgement 

When your expectations go unmet, resist the urge to blame or criticise and approach with curiosity. How can we address the gap without harming the relationship? 

Expectations are part of being human, but their power lies in how we handle them. When we recognise their potential to cause harm and choose to navigate them in a different way ie response over reaction, we create space for deeper, more authentic connection where we all feel seen, heard and valued.

This is the opportunity to do the conscious work of self reflection for self awareness and I hope it can be helpful to you as you navigate the holiday season.