The Pendulum Of Restriction and How I Found The Middle Way
For so long, my life was ruled by extremes.
The pendulum always swinging violently between restriction and excess.
Between control and chaos.
I lived in a cycle of self denial and punishment believing that the only way to be worthy was to shrink myself - physically, mentally and emotionally.
Restriction felt like discipline. It felt like control. It felt like safety- until it didn’t.
I imposed rigid rules upon myself. It started with rules, numbers and rigid expectations.
It deepened into freeze, numbness and dysregulation. Compulsive exercise, a narrow mindset, a self loathing loop.
Starving, punishing, chasing perfection.
But the more I tried to control it, the more my body fought back.
The pendulum always swung the other way.
From control to collapse.
From rigid restriction to binge, purge, overeat, numb.
This cycle was exhausting, predictable and impossible to escape.
The “fuck-it” attitude would take over. The cravings, the hunger - physical and emotional - became unbearable. The rebellion against my own rules. The loss of control.
The spiral of anxiety, regret and self punishment. Desperate to erase the evidence, to get rid of the discomfort, to undo what felt like failure. Vomiting, over-exercising, doubling down on restricting myself once more.
And the cycle continued,
All or Nothing
Black or White
Never Enough
Always Too Much
This chaos drained my energy leaving me in a state of dysregulation and despair.
It has taken me many years to unravel this patterning and let go of these destructive cycles. It required me to examine the pervasive diet culture , societal expectations, fat phobia that are so ingrained in our society and white privilege culture. Releasing the needs for external validation meant embracing my body’s natural responses, even as it led to changes that once terrified me. Allowing my body to become plump, a state I had feared, became a necessary step toward healing. However, I always noticed the unspoken judgments, reflecting societies biases against weight gain. Navigating these often unspoken but deeply felt criticisms, became an integral part of my recovery journey and still is to this day.
My healing emerged over time (many years) through embracing the middle way which included:
Slow, sustainable change rooted in self regulation - not quick fixes
Seeking balance in all aspects of my life
Practicing compassion toward myself amd my journey
Cultivating presence
Initiating a reconnection with my body’s innate wisdom
Embracing acceptance and finding contentment
Taking small stepping stones towards wholeness
Choosing well being over appearance
Establishing a sense of safety in my body and whole being
Building consistency through daily routines
Prioritising nervous system care and recognising its role in overall health
Honoring self agency
Through this approach I discovered a path to healing that honored my body’s wisdom.
The middle way offers a sustainable and compassionate alternative to the extremes, guiding me towards a life of balance and fulfilment.
Healing meant finding safety in my body again, through nervous system care, regulation, stability and consistency.
It meant replacing shame with self-compassion and honouring the stepping stones to wholeness without rushing or forcing.
I learned to listen, to feel, to trust and to welcome my body back from exile.
The pendulum no longer swings between restriction and excess but settles into a steady rhythm of self-trust and self agency.