Spiritual Leaders Behaving Badly - It's Not Ok!

There is a growing and deeply troubling pattern showing up in spiritual communities -one that many hesitate to speak about for fear of backlash, gaslighting, or further harm.

But - I will not stay silent because, silence enables abuse.

I write today from a recent personal experience with a well respected spiritual leader - someone I once held in high regard. After offering respectful feedback, I expected an open conversation, or at the very least, a dialogue rooted in the values that this person publicly claims to uphold. Instead, what I received was dismissiveness, deflection and outright contempt.
Rather than addressing the concerns raised, this “leader” responded by mocking my character, gaslighting me and shifting blame in ways that were both hurtful and deeply disorienting.
Some of the words she used included:

* “ I feel that you are a person who enjoys holding power over people. I noticed often in cafes and restaurants that you would call waiters and staff over, only to have them stand there and wait while you chatted or contemplated. It crossed my mind that perhaps you gain a feeling of power by having people wait for you or give you attention”

* “ You were so demanding of a blessing in a temple that I had an almost comical image of the character, Veruca Salt from “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory” stamping her feet and demanding “I want a blessing”, “I want a blessing”. It was shocking white privilege in action “


Even as a well resourced woman, someone with tools, self awareness, and professional support, I was deeply dysregulated for over 10 days. I found myself questioning my reality, my behaviour and even my worth - this is exactly what gaslighting does. It distorts the truth, making you doubt your own perception and left me in a whirlwind of self doubt.

This experience was a text book example of spiritual narcissism, a term that describes leaders who:
* Weaponise spirituality to control, shame or silence others.
* Use their status to deflect accountability rather than embody humility.
* Mock and belittle those who challenge them, instead of engaging in self enquiry.
* Twist feedback into a personal attack to avoid addressing the real concerns.

This is not leadership. This is not wisdom. And this is not ok.

Spiritual leaders can hold immense influence, and many people come to them in times of vulnerability, seeking guidance, healing or connection. When a leader abuses their position, by gaslighting, shaming, or manipulating their followers, the harm is exponential. It doesn’t just affect one person, it creates a culture of fear, self doubt and disempowerment.

And to be clear, I am not here to name or shame this person (even though a big part of me wants to hold her accountable). I do not believe in public take-downs or engaging the same tactics of blame and contempt that were used against me.

But I am here to call out the behaviour - because it’s dangerous.

If a leader cannot handle respectful feedback without resorting to defensiveness, mockery and personal attacks, in my eyes, they are not fit to be in a position of leadership.

Too many people have been hurt in spiritual communities because they were taught to doubt their own feelings and stay silent. Spirituality should never be a shield for abusive behaviour.

We need discernment not blind devotion
We need courage not complicity
We need leaders who embody integrity - not just talk about it

If you have experienced something similar - please know this:

* Your feelings are valid
* Your perception is real
* You are not overreacting
* You are not alone

Abuse, whether emotional, verbal, or spiritual - is never acceptable.  It’s time that we call it out and we start naming it for what it is!

It’s Just Not Ok!