Unravelling at Midlife

Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear.

“I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing - these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling in adequate and getting hurt - has to go. Your armour is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armour could help you secure all the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost then ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.” - Brene Brown

Excuse the expression, but I say “fuck yeah” to these words from Brene Brown.

My own midlife unravelling began in my late 30’s and then just after I turned 40, I had a “dark night of the soul” and went through a very dark time suffering with deep depression for over a year. I felt guilty through this time as on the outside it appeared that I had everything that I “should” need to be happy - two healthy children, a happy marriage, a beautiful home, and loving friends. Yet I had this nagging sense of dissatisfaction with my life and felt disconnected and, in hindsight, quite numb.

What I slowly came to realise was that I was experiencing a deep inner yearning for more meaning and purpose in my life - a “soul hunger.”

I started to explore and excavate my earlier life experiences and became aware of the patterning and conditioning from my family of origin and upbringing, that had impacted me through my life. An awareness dawning on me that I had always played the role of the “good girl”, the sensible one, the one that avoided conflict, the girl that said “yes” even when she wanted to say “no”, the one that stuffed her voice and opinions and sensitivity deep down into her belly, because her opinion was not valid or worthy. The girl who started self harming because she was so confused at the lies and the injustices that she saw around her in the world. She was sad, she was lonely, and she was starving for soul connection and expression. 

I was no longer satisfied by the material and superficial longings of life. I was done with the suffering that had brought me to my knees. I was ready to remember who I was born to be.

It was time to begin the descent inward and downward to find my lost self and to find a connection with the truth of my soul. 

For the past 10 years, I excavated, I explored, I unlearned, I remembered, I shed, I felt, I processed, I raged, I sobbed, I expressed, I accepted, I forgave and I released it all.

I let go of dieting, self harm, compulsive exercising, judgement, shame and guilt for all of the experiences that I had no control over. I let go of control, rigidity, overwhelm and obsession with the external.

And then I picked up, very gently, the petals of self compassion, self kindness, self acceptance, self care, softness, presence, creativity, spaciousness and self respect.

This process was like a death; a period of transition and transformation, whereby I alchemised and integrated all my life experiences into soul wisdom and medicine, a beautiful spiritual elixir.

And now I’m 51, and I feel like I am re-birthing into the maturity of my life. I’m ready to bloom. 

I claim the truth and integrity of my soul. 

I choose to embody deep wisdom, sovereignty and presence. 

I absolutely know that I am here on Earth at this time to serve women as a spiritual mentor to help guide them toward the reclamation of their deepest expression and own unique “soul song.”

Do you feel your soul whispering?