I was 7 when I started to leave my body, because it didn’t feel like a safe place to be

I was 11 when I started to feel like I had to manage it, fix it, control it and restrict it.

And then, slowly over time, my body became  “the enemy” and my full time “fix it” project

For the next 20 years I lived outside of my body - in an idealised “in my head” version of it.

I was caught in the external pursuit of the body I would have ONE DAY - like my best friend’s body or the body in Dolly magazine.

I tried to hate, punish, condemn and self loathe my body into the “ideal body” that was fed to me by the culture that I was born into and did not choose.

The number on the scale determined my worthiness and defined whether I would have a “good day” or a “bad day”.

I followed all of my self imposed rules, tamed my hunger and listened to her controlling whispers

BUT it was never enough!

Her vice only took to me feelings of self hate, self abandonment and shame.

I was exhausted and confused.

I had been conditioned long ago to stop listening, to stop feeling and to ignore the organic intelligence of my body, my hunger and my heart.

I felt alienated and like I didn’t belong anywhere in the world

I was highly intuitive, a deep thinker and instinctively creative but I didn’t know how to be myself.

I longed to belong.

I was torn between who I truly was and who I felt I had to be, to survive in a world that I did not understand.

So I shut myself down.

I turned down my light.

I started to hide from the world.

Absenting myself was motivated by a longing to be felt as missing.

I wondered if anyone would notice that I was gone.

I was caught in the darkness of my ego, my vanity and my self obsession.

I kept on trying to be perfect.

I kept trying to starve my way out of feeling all the pain.

But what I was really starving for was connection.

I wished someone could see me, the real me.

Not as more, not as less, but as enough, just exactly the way I was.

Life continued on through my 20’s.

I kept following my self imposed rules but I was still stuck in the stickiness of diet culture, perfectionism and loneliness.

I partied hard all the way through but I was disconnected and numb inside.

The big catalyst for change came after I met my husband and after I had the privilege of becoming a mother, first to my daughter, then to my son.

I was in my 30’s by now, but without even realising it I was still trying to live the perfect life, as the perfect mother, with perfect children, a perfectly clean house and, of course, the perfect post baby body.

It was SO exhausting.

Deep down, I still felt quite numb, even though I appeared to have it all.

I also sensed there was much more to life than the one that I was living

AND, I definitely didn’t want to pass all these “rules” and patterns onto my children.

 So I began working with a private therapist, who specialised in working with people like me.

Choosing recovery has been a long, complex and winding road but it has been the greatest work and gift of my life.

As  I started to dismantle the complex issues that scarred my spirit, and began to unlearn, unpack, unravel and metabolise all of the stories, beliefs and rules that had informed my life for so long, I started to find a glimmer of faith in myself.

I learnt how to be kind to myself and gradually replaced that harsh, mean, shaming voice in my head with a more caring and wise one.

Discovering the path of yoga and mindfulness has been an integral part of my personal recovery joinery and has helped me to build steadiness and heal the disconnection between my body, mind and spirit , so I feel whole.

Yoga has given me a framework to reclaim my spirit, my heart and my self worth. It has taught me to cultivate softness, patience and self compassion for myself and others

My recovery journey has been long and difficult at times but having the practice of yoga has helped make it softer, steadier and sweeter.

Mindfulness has also taught me to sit (and stay) with presence and acceptance alongside the pain and vulnerability of my humanity.

It would be remiss of me if I forgot to mention how much the the amazing work of Brene Brown around healing shame, perfectionism, boundaries and belonging have informed my healing path and of course my husband, Pete, who was the first person that truly loved me entirely with all my contradictions, imperfections and idiosyncrasies. His love and steadiness has been integral in my life and none of it would have been possible without him by my side.

My life today is so different 

It’s definitely not perfect

But I keep getting better at it

I still have days where I feel triggered - especially around photos of myself and the mirrors in the shops

However,

I have stopped measuring, counting, comparing and hiding

I know the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging” because I have chosen to belong to myself

My life is not conditional or transactional

There is no more shame, judgement or punishment

There is no more should’s or have to’s

I have released the control and holding patterns that kept me small

I know that my sensitivity is a gift, not a burden

I have meaningful, reciprocal relationships

I have cultivated an “inner well” of self care, peace, curiosity and acceptance

I have relaxed into my life

I let myself eat the cake

I move my body because it feels good

I am tuned in (not out) to my feelings, my senses, my needs and my hunger.

My life and the way that I live it is my truest offering

And I hope that I can use my voice for the girls that haven’t yet found theirs 

I hope that the fruits and gifts of my own journey will give you the courage and hope to take the slow and steady steps toward your own healing

Because what I know for sure is that there is something deeper, richer and much more meaningful calling you forward

A life that is filled with inspiration, connection, belonging and adventure.